LIFE

jeez. it’s been a while since i’ve been here. wala lang. i thought i needed to write something since documentation is important! hahaha. i got that line from the movie “Unstrung Heroes.” ang ganda ng movie na yonnnnnnnn! kakaiyak!! :’( but yeah.. anyway.. i’ve been okay. pretty much everything is falling into place except sa job ko.. wala kaming hours! sobrang walang datung ang lola mo ngayon.. haha. i’m just laughing cause i’m done stressing about it too much. bahala naaaaaa.

yun.. other than my job, everything else is going great. i will be seeing my sisters this year, if things go as planned. Also.. there’s someone new in bianca’s life. haha. yun na! yoko n magkwento.. shy ako. hahaha. basta i’m really happy.

hmm.. what else.. wala na e. un lang.. nag-update lng nmn. haha.

for some reason, i just started reading my blog posts from years 2005 & 2006.. dude.. damn.. ang bata ko pa magsulat nun.. batang-bata pa ung isip ko. it’s amazing how in just a couple of years, i’ve grown so much. i really have. the way i view things now, it’s different. and i know that a couple of years from now, i’ll be more mature pa. hayyy.. time goes by so quick. now i know how my older cousins feel pag sinasabi nila na wow tumatanda na si bea.. ako kasi ung pinaka-baby saming magpipinsan.. now i feel the exact same thing with my pamangkins.. i can’t believe na 10 years old na si cyle.. what the hell.. i used to carry him when he was still a baby.. ngayon 10 years old na siya? mas matangkad pa sakin?? grabe.. also, when i left nung 2005, ang liit liit pa ni lian.. nadadapa-dapa pa un pag naglalakad and hindi pa kumpleto magsalita.. ngayon ang laki na rin niya… it sucks na i missed out on seeing them grow up.. ka-chat namin sila kanina with webcam and mic and all.. i miss them so much.. as in.. i’m really sad right now.. lalo pa when cyle asked mom and said “when can you take us there?” parang bigla akong maiiyak nun eh.. sana nandito na sila.. and sana magkakasama kaming lahat… it really sucks na magkakahiwalay-hiwalay kaming lahat… how can this ever happen? it feels like it was just yesterday nung magkakasama kaming lahat in one house sa las pinas..

i dont know anymore… ayoko na rin na iniisip kasi eh.. there’s nothing i can do naman.. i feel helpless.. basta i just want all of them to be here.. or kahit saan, basta sama-sama kami.. or atleast naman sa isang country lang.. hindi ung iba ibang countries.

 i just wish that in time, maayos din lahat.. i know that God is hearing our prayers.. it just makes me really sad kasi ung mg bata nandun sa pinas without their mom and dad.. gusto ko nandito na sila habang maaga pa and bata pa sila so that they can adjust easily.. hayyy ayoko na nga isipin..

na-off topic tuloy.. hehe.. anyways.. i know this would probably annoy some of you.. but pat and i are talking again. but we’re not in a relationship. usap lang everyday.. he’s leaving na papuntang germany on monday, nov 10. i know some of you might think na what the hell, im just wasting my time.. but whatever, you know. one of my friends said na pat doesn’t love me.. and he’s just lonely. since i’m pretty realistic, i know that of course that could be true. but what i know for SURE is that i love him.. and what matters to me is that i wanna be there for him especially at this point na wala siyang natatakbuhan.. he doesn’t have to love me so that i could love him. does that make any sense? tanga na kung tanga.. but atleast at one point in my life i could say that i genuinely loved someone. if he finds someone else, then i’d be happy for him.. and if i find someone else, i know he’ll be happy for me too. basta for now i’m just going with the flow.. i’m doing what i want to do.. and i sure hell won’t regret anything because i know na this is what i wanna do..

sorry if i’m not making sense.. d ko alam.. trying hard yata ako sa psychology eh.. feeling ko ang galing galing ko magexplain kung ano ung nasa utak ng mga tao… pero ang gulo-gulo ko naman hahaha… anyways.. ang haba na nito ah! gosh..

til next time! byeee

pat and i saw each other today. what the hell is wrong with me.. super confident pa naman ako na we’re gonna try to hang-out lang tlaga as friends.. but of course hindi naman nangyari. ang weird lang kasi.. bakit ang tanga ko parin until now.. grabe i’m just laughing at myself na lang. ang weird! kainis!! nung magkasama kami, we’re okay and all.. parang katulad rin ng dati.. but then right after i drop him off sa bahay niya, parang bigla akong natauhan na “ANO YUN? ANO NANGYARI?” when he kissed me goodbye nga, sa cheek ko lang siya pina-kiss, eh what the hell we kissed na naman before nun. the heck? langya.. it’s not supposed to be this complicated. but whatever… i don’t regret anything naman. i just don’t feel like we’re gonna see each other again before he leaves on october 14. yun na cguro un. kaya naman nagkita kami ngayon eh dahil we both know na pag hindi kami nagkita even for once bago siya umalis papuntang germany, we’re gonna regret it. so now atleast we both know na we took a chance in seeing each other atleast once. walang “what if’s” or “what might have been’s” you know? ayun.. kinwento ko lang.. nahihiya na nga ako kwento ‘to, to be honest. how long na ba na ganito nangyayari samin? mygoshhhhhh. ayun. basta un lang un. parang one day affair lang.. which i don’t really mind.. and it surprises me na i really let this whole thing happen.. i’ve changed so much.. dati ang taas taas ng pride ko.. ngayon, d@mn! i don’t even care anymore..

ewan! i don’t think anyone can understand what i’m writing right now. or can you? pakisabi nga sakin if i’m making sense!! cause i have no freakin clue!

uggggggggh.

i kinda updated my blog. just wanted to have a new look. haha.. anyways.. i’ve been going to school.. and okay naman. by the end of this year, hopefully ‘d be able to get my certification in phlebotomy, and then i can start working as a phlebotomist! yayy.

ayyy.. nakausap ko pala si pat one time. last week yata.. wala. wala lang. in-add niya ako sa myspace as a friend, and he was like “be my friend again lol? we have to talk about this and you know it. what happened isn’t what you think happened, bianca.” hindi ko alam kung tungkol san ba ung sinasabi niya,. if tungkol dun sa naghiwalay kami or ung tungkol sa engagement chuvanes niya. so sabi ko nlng.. “okay..? tell me what happened then” and then ang inexplain niya ung tungkol samin.. naman.. nag-bother pa magexplain after 2-3 months. basta kung anu-anong excuses ung sinasabi niya.. and i dont believe all of them. sabi ko sa kanya na ang totoong reason na naman talaga eh ung snabi niya dati pa na he doesnt feel the “spark” anymore.. and i understand that.. because it happens. so un.. and then i asked him “so… whats this engagement thing i heard about? you’re getting married? lol” and then he was like “well i admit, i thought about it, but it was just a dumb airforce thing.” and then hindi daw nagworkout ung sa kanila nung girl.. and first time daw niyang na-experience na akala niya the girl cared for him pero hindi naman pala daw.. he thought it was serious daw pero hindi pala.. he felt used. ganun.. sa isip2 ko lang.. mygulayyy.. sakin ba sabihin ung tungkol dun?? parang it was too much information for me nung time na un.. goddd.. sabi ko tuloy sa kanya “atleast you got a taste of what it’s like to be hurt.” naman! buti nga at na-experience niya un.. and habang sinasabi pala nya ung tungkol sa girl, he also said “i still care a lot about you and hell, i still love you if that makes any sense.” i just ignored that. how untrue could that be.. sabi ko na lang sa kanya na “if you’re done with me, you’re done.” hindi ung bigla niya kong kakausapin just cause nagkalabuan sila nung girl.. then sabi niya “don’t take it the wrong way.. i’m not asking you back.. etc” sabi ko sa kanya na i know he’s not asking me back.. it’s just that wag niya akong tatakbuhan just because he’s hurt. diba? wag naman ganun.. and wag na sabihin na he still loves me or some other bullsh*t.. because there’s no point to it. i think the reason why he messaged me is that he just wanted to see if i’ll help him out and kung bibigay pa ko sa kanya.. but nahh.. wala na nga tlga.. but it’s good though na nakapagusap kami.. para wala nang bitterness. and besides, i asked GOD for this to happen. if pat and aren’t really for each other, then dapat matapos na lng na bigla.. hindi ung nawa-waste namin ung time namin.. .. so un.. atleast God answered my prayer diba.

sooo.. anyway.. grabe.. ubos ang money ko sa car insurance and gas.. wow.. i never thought na ganun pala kamahal.. but yeah.. im not gonna complain na. atleast i have my car na.. ayun.. k i guess thats it for today….. peace

i heard some crazy ass news last night.. my friend randomly said that pat is ENGAGED. whoa. i did NOT see that one coming. i don’t know, it’s just so unlikely for him to do that. but at the same time, what the hell do i know.. i don’t know him anymore. he has changed big time, so maybe iba na nga ang pagiisip niya. we had that in common before, yung ideal age for marriage. he used to think na it’s pretty dumb to get married early.. so un.. i don’t know if i’m only in self-denial or what, pero a part of me just doesnt believe it, i guess. i’ll believe it na lang pag siya mismo nagsabi.. mahirap na kasi sa ibang tao..

nagulat lang talaga ako.. and actually, my friend actually said that he might just wanna get married because he’ll get more money from the airforce pag kasal na. well, whatever the reason is.. it doesnt matter. i was just so weirded out last night. i didnt know what to feel. okay, okay.. i cried a little nung kinausap ko ung isa kong friend.. but it’s not like i would wanna get back with him naman, it’s just knowing na ganun lang pala kadali sa kanya un.. while ako, i’m still struggling a little.. i’m not depressed or anything, pero parang hindi parin ako ma-attract sa other guys.. hehehe.. ewan ko… i mean okay lang sana kasi if i found out na may girlfriend siya eh.. but being engaged na kagad? what the heck? ano un.. hehehe.. but i mean, kung un ung gusto niya gawin eh..

this issue made me realize na im getting old na! issue-issue na lang ngayon ang kasal! haha.. it’s weird… ayun.. kinwento ko lang naman. shocked ka? haha.. but yeah.. i’m doneeeee. bye

i finally have a car!!! yeahhhhhh.. thank god. i’m really thankful. it’s worth the long wait. this kinda makes me realize that my stepdad really IS a good person. i mean, he can easily just NOT buy me a car.. because who the hell am i in his life, right? honestly, i try to imagine myself nga eh, like if i was in his position.. would i even bother buying my stepdaughter a car? lalo pa kung hindi ganun kabait ung stepdaughter? parang hindi.. hehehe.. i feel kinda bad nga whenever i get upset with him, kasi i know i owe him a lot.. basta.. i’m thankful. ayoko nga lang na magalit ung anak niya.. sana naman ma-realize niya na ang one year din akong naglalakad-lakad and sumasakay ng bus while siya may car na.. i know a lot of people actually enjoy it pag may naiinggit sa kanila.. but im not one of them. i really hope na okay lang sa kanya… PLUS i think bibilihan din yata siya ng brand new car in time.. so un..

so yeah.. nag-update lang naman ako.. hehehe.. i’ll post pics up! its a 2009 nissan versa. cute car ;]

it’s about time to open my blog again.. *sigh* Reading my past blog posts was too painful. that’s why i closed it for a while.. but now.. everything’s fine. i feel no pain.. yes, i do think about him SOMEtimes, but over-all.. i’m not hurting anymore. kaya nga lumakas na yung loob ko na buksan to eh.. so un..

anyways.. just to update you guys.. (if ever some people are still reading this) I now work at POLO ralph lauren kids. and im damnn happy. it’s the very FIRST good thing that happened to me this year. i’m really glad.. and thanks to conray kasi siya ung nag refer sakin.. hehehe..

anyways.. school’s about to start.. and i’m stoked. i’m pretty sure i’ll be freakin exhausted when school starts… but i’m looking forward in meeting new people.. NAMAN! hehehe.. im wondering kung kelan kaya ako magkakaron ng new boyfriend.. haha.. just the thought of it makes me feel weird inside. you know? i’ve been crazy about the same guy for three years.. and now i don’t even know where to start. i don’t even feel attracted to anyone.. haha.. i guess it’ll take time. and i’m not rushing things.. (as if?) hehe.. jk.

so un.. shucksss… i’ve got nothing to say na. my life seems so boring.. but don’t worry.. i AM currently happy with everything. genuinely happy. i thank God for everything! i’m blessed. we’re all blessed.

…..

pat and i just had another argument yesterday. but we’re okay now. thanks to my stepdad. anyways just to tell the story.. the other day i told pat that in his ex-gf’s myspace, it said something about how she loves and cares about pat so much. so i mean, i asked him what was up, and i told him that its weird how this has been going on for too long. and then he just said the usual stuff, like he doesnt know why she’s like that.. and maybe it’s because she doesnt have anyone to "stalk" since her ex broke up with her, those kinda stuff. so okay.. the next morning i asked him something. and i said that THAT would be my last question to him about his ex. cause i remember that girl telling me that pat tells her that he has feelings for her and everything. so i just wanted to ask him if he ever did. i would not be mad at all if he would say yes, since i know that they were together, and obviously when we started going out 2-3 years ago, bago-bago pa lang ung break up nila ni pat. so it would be pretty understandable. so un, i asked him if he ever TOLD her after we started going out that he still had feelings for her.
            
          
guess what he said? he told me that when one of the first times that we broke up, they hooked up again. he said he really thought we were over and that he was depressed. and naisip din daw niya na maybe he was missing her. but then he found out that he was wrong and that that was one of the dumbest things he’s ever done.
               
 
first reaction : disgusted to death. like, literally, when he told me that, napahawak ako sa lips ko and like UGHH  was just grossed out. kasi omg, nung naging sila before pa kami, i NEVER knew them. di ko pa sila kilala nun. i never saw them when they were together. i never saw them kiss, or whatever! kung kilala ko lang talaga sila nun, i would have never dated pat, to be completely honest. pero since i never really got to see them together, for me parang i think of it na it never existed. basta  hirap iexplain. so knowing na they hooked up again, yuck. as in. wala lang.. and i was shocked, too. and ineexpect ko naman na sabihin niya eh like, i guess they could be talking to each other and they just admitted that may konting feelings pa, pero omg. they hooked up! how nasty is that! and i just couldnt believe na he lied to me about it. i know it was three years ago, pero still. i should have known.
                  
       
i swear. i told him hurtful stuffs. i guess nabigla ako tlga.. as in kung ano2 tlga cnabi ko sa kanya.. and then he said that i was overreacting and that he thought i would be mature enough to handle a truthful answer to a question.
          
      
well i kinda realized that i was being immature, but nagagalit parin ako everytime  think of those times na he couldve told me about it nung highschool kami.
         
       
then my stepdad was bugging me about pat for some reason. friends ba daw kami or boyfriend ko siya? i just sad i didnt know. and then he just bugged me for a freakn long time until i told him (and my mom) about the what is going on between me and pat. he told me his point of view, and omg, i was enlightened. just like that. it felt so good to hear a mature view about the whole thing. i cant even explain. my stepdad explained it in such words na na-realize ko nga na i overreacted. i cant even remember how he explained it to me. and even my mom agreed to the what he said. they weren’t saying na pat didn’t do anything wrong. they told me to understand pat’s view and why he didnt tell me before. basta right after that, i just texted pat that i was sorry.

          
    
then we talked on the phone.. so un. okay na. whew. actually this blog isnt really about pat and i making up. its about the explanation my parents gave me. how i learned from what they said. i saw how immature my views were.. ang galing.
      
hayy ayun.. k.. ima go now.. im so sleepyyyyyyy… night night.

pat’s gonna be here in vegas for about 3-4 days! i’m finally going to see him after 4 months.. and to be honest, i don’t even know where we stand. i thought we were friends kaya lang parang he doesn’t feel the same… parang he feels like we’re more than friends. well i guess its still pretty obvious for him na we still have feelings for each other.. pero ewan! im gonna go with the flow na lang.. all i know is that i’m happy i’ll see him again..
                  
gosh… what’s up ba talaga with us.. if we’re really not meant to be together, bat hindi nlng matapos tlga ng bigla? well i guess im gonna find out later this year, when he goes to germany for about 2 years. when he comes back from germany and we’re still gonna be how we are right now, then i guess that’s gotta be something else. sobrang liit lang tlga ng chance na mangyari yun… so bring it on! i wanna know how things will happen..
                                    
after pala ng vacation niya here.. babalik siya ulit sa texas.. and then he’ll graduate on september 25.. then he’ll come back again here in las vegas for about a month.. sakto sa birthdays namin. and then after nun germany na siya..
                                             
it sucks how ngayon im kinda used to not seeing him na.. tapos makikita ko na naman siya.. then pagalis niya, im gonna be hella sad again.. kakainis. pero at the same time, happy ako na nasa military siya.. i know kasi na happy siya tlga dun and he was born to be there. mom and dad niya kasi parehas na nagmilitary.. so un. sobrang laki ng pinagbago niya.. and he’s very driven. he really wants to go far with the airforce.
                           
ako naman, just by watching the tv show "Army Wives," ayoko nga ng tga military na asawa in the future.. my goSH. if you watch that show talaga, you’ll see kung gano kahirap pala ung mga wives ng mga tga military.. as in.. and i’m amazed by the real military wives.. how they handle everything! they’re really strong..
               
ayun.. anyways.. i’ve been taking online classes over the summer. okay naman.. minsan sobrang dami lng tlga ng homework.. but 6 weeks lang naman.. so i guess it’s worth putting up with. so yeah.. un lng…. i’ll post pictures nlng of me and pat 2 weeks from now

ahh. i dont even know if people are still readin this, but whatever, i feel like i have to let it out. i dont really wanna talk about it sa phone or kahit kanino.. i dont wanna talk. I’d HATE to write everything here, but there’s no one i wanna talk to about this. ahh. my life has been drama-free for a while. now i guess it’s back. these past couple of months had been pretty quiet and peaceful for me and pat. we talk everyday. we text. i made him a myspace so he’ll get in touch with other people.. so yeah. everything was really going smooth.. no drama. and then one time, i logged-in to his myspace account just to fix his profile since he wanted me to make it all pretty and stuff.. and my stupid self, AHHH, read one of his messages. i know, i know, i’m bad. well, honestly i thought he wont keep messages that he wouldnt want me to see since i made his myspace and i know the password. anyways, so yea. in the message, he said something about these 4 girls that invited him to come with them on a trip.. etc etc. and he was like "hell yea!! trip with 4 girls! no instructors! just us!" and then the person he was talking to asked him if he hooked up with anyone yet, he was like "no i havent. its really kinda hard here cause… (something something)" marami pa siyang sinabi.. oh, and he said something about how he’s only been there for 3 weeks and look how it is with the girls already.
                  
    
i mean, hello. i was DISGUSTED. how can a person even lie to someone who’s been there for him and supported him all through out…… I was there for him. I was always true to him… all this time he’s been like "the girls are so ugly here!" "i dont talk much to girls here" why does he have to lie to me? if he wants to go hook up with girls, then thats fine, but of course dapat wala na kaming relationship or whatsoever. its one way or the other. so un, when i read the message.. i texted him. i was like "please change you password in your myspace. oh im so sorry i read one of your messages! please don’t string me along with your girls. Fu\ck you and I dont wanna hear anything from you." then text siya ng text that he doesnt know what im talking about.. hindi ko siya nireplyan.. then he sent a text "this is tearing me up baby.. i’ve been awake for twenty two hours but i cant even sleep. i wont lose you over a myspace comment bianca. you are what got me through basic [training] and keeps me motivated through all the crap here. believe it or not the reason i’m not out there every night partying it up is you. there are so many girls here that are easy and just want sex but i’m okay beng alone and sexless for the first time in my life… i havent had a kiss since feb 11 baby.. i havent had a hug since my mom at graduation. i love you" SOMEHOW what he’s saying doesnt quite match with the message that i read in myspace! DIBA?! so i was like "how many lies can you even tell? i know we’re not officially on but show a lil respect. you can hook up with whoever the fuc/k you want but dont fuc/king drag me along." and then sabi niya, "You have no idea! I said I haven’t hooked up with anyone and guess what I haven’t! You think I don’t miss physical contact? You atleast have friends and whatever there. I have no one but you and jared. If i didn’t respect you and whatever we have dont you think i’d just hook up wth some random girl and not worry about some girl 1000 miles away I guaranteed won’t see for five months then off to god knows where. I didnt tell you before but my job is highly deployed at the lower ranks. I’m going to Iraq or Kuwait sometime while I’m statoned in Germany. I very well could die over there but while everyone else just wants the short term hook up I don’t want anything but you. You think its easy going to my room to study while everyone goes and has sex in a hotel i was invited to?" sabi ko sa kanya "am i supposed to feel bad?? You said you havent hooked up with anyone but obviously wanting to! just go do whatever you want. dont feel like im holding you down in doing stuffs because im not anymore. have fun with your little trip with the girls" then he was like "dont let me lose you over a myspace." i told him it wasnt over myspace.. its about him lying to me and letting me down for how many times now…
   
the next morning, 2 AM, he was like "listen i know its early but im headed to class. we’ve been through so much together that at this point i cant imagine life without you. i know what i said was rude and disrespectful so im sorry for that. i just hope we can make this better because i know our relationship is strong enough to go the distance." i said "as youve said youve only been there for what, 3 4 weeks and look how it is with the girls already. whats about to happen in the next 5 months? i dont trust you anymore. how could i? besides, all you can ever do now is to tell me you havent done this and that. like all the thngs you say are so true. how am i supposed to believe you." so un. we havent said anythng to each other after that…
            
    
right now, i feel bad. i was so mad i was shaking kaya namura ko siya. this is like the very first time na we argued. but i keep telling myself that he deserved that big time. minsan nga lang kasi naiisip ko na c pat kasi, parang one of his ways to make him feel better is portraying an image to other people. parang, he’d like other people to think that he’s badass or whatever. i know im immature myself, but him, he’s waaaaay immature. basta its hard to explain. pero basta,.. what if i didnt get to read that message in his myspace, how far would he have gone? its really sad… i was so disappointed in him. i really thought he would be mature enough to tell me the truth…

so, pat’s gonna come home for like a month and a half here sa september, and after
that, he’s gonna be in Germany. the longest time that he could be there
would be 3 years…
    
   
i don’t really know what to feel.. i just watched the movie "STOP LOSS"
a couple of days ago and i totally can see now where this (military)
would lead us. tapos long-term pa tlga ang plan niya na mag-stay sa airforce… hay.. for me, i think yun na. i guess that’s the end
for us.  but am i gonna be all dramatic about it? HELL NO. im not gonna
be all ignoring him from now on dahil we’re not gonna end up together.
im still gonna go with the flow.. as long as we’re getting along, im
cool with everything. for him naman, he thinks we’re still gonna end up
together. i seriously dont know if he really thinks its possible, or
he’s just saying that because he’s a GUY and he just wants me to feel
better. nagugulat lang talaga ako kasi pag nagsasalita siya, he’s
straight up saying things about us marrying when i get done with
school, etc. Ako naman, sa isip-isip ko, does he really think we won’t
have other relationships between those gaps na we’re not seeing each
other? kasi ako, i know for sure that we’re gonna end up dating other people along the way. bakit nga lang kasi
nag-military pa siya eh! sarap tlga bugbugin nun.. hehehe.. pero… everytime
im confused about this whole deal, iniisip ko na lang na everything
happens for a reason! ganun na lang…

okay, so pat and i broke up in january -but then we still talk -and when he left for basic training, i wrote him a LOT of letters cause i know it would really help him get through -we still say "i love you" to each other -he wants me to visit him in texas -we text each other always -he calls me at night….. BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE WE? i mean, i guess i’m okay with the situation, cause we’ve been like this before. im just confused.. would it be unfair to him if i talk to other guys? am i gonna be okay with him talking to other girls? but i definitely DON’T want a long distance relationship. so i guess what we have right now is perfect.. but it still comes down to us talking to other people and how are we gonna feel about it. ahhhhhhhhh. i dont even know if im making sense right now.
               
          
and also, i’ve been talking to this one person…… someone who WAS special five years ago. we both know its over and done. and we were SO young back then…. but up to now.. parang there are some things that still havent ended. ahh.. hindi ko na alammmmmmmmmmmmm. para kasing.. ewan ko.
          
      
and pat doesnt even know about this. does he have to know? or not, since wala naman nangyayari? ahhhhhhhhh. whatever…………………….. bahala na lng.

ahh. i was really upset last night.. im okay now. but something happened today that just RUINED my day yet again!!! pat called…. AND I MISSED IT!! what in the world was i thinking when i left my phone in my room!!!!!!!!! im so pissed.. kakainis talaga. it sucks so much knowing that i can’t call him back! kasi naman.. malay ko bang tatawag pala siya. hehehe siya pa ung sinisi eh noh.. but yea.. this thursday is his graduation na. nice. he made it! im proud! :] pero tlga.. i felt so bad when i missed his call. kaya to make me feel better, i recalled some bad memories.. para iisipin ko na lang he deserved it. haha.. im so mean. sana naman makatawag siya ulit. well i know na tatawag siya sa this thursday, pero baka nga hindi ko rin un masagot cause my exams ako nun. well i hope things work out.
            
       
hayy. etong year na to tlga.. my gosh. it’s been really bad ha. ni isa wala man lang magandang nangyayari.. i’ve no job.. pat & i broke up.. i fucked up my class schedule this semester.. pat left.. i’ve been struggling in my classes.. still no car. NAMAN! what the hell is up..
         
   
tapos baka hndi pa daw ako matuloy sa philippines this summer dahil marami daw akong aasikasuhin once we move, like ung pagtransfer ng college credits and such.. good lord. give me a break… i think bumabalik na naman ung old self ko before i met pat.. Naloloka na naman ako!! pat’s not here to keep me sane! ahhh…

it’s kinda funny when i remember those times when all my needs are just handed to me. Pambaon, pamasahe, panggala, pang-shopping.. all that stuff. wala lang.. it is really true that you don’t get to worry about things when you were younger. gosh, and i’m not even halfway of being an independent person. i know that once i finish school, i’ll be DYING to move out of the house. is it gonna be easy to move out? no. but do i want to? yes. i’d probably be 25 by then.. i sure need to move out by that time. i think i’d need my space and everything. but paying the bills and stuff, whoa. it’s definitely gonna be a challenge. hopefully i get to work things out.. but yeah.. for now, im proud of the fact that when i eat out, when i go shopping, when i spend money, it is MY own. but its so weird whenever i get stressed out about it, especially now that i don’t have a job. i was never like this. i also hate it when my parents just shove it in my face that they ain’t gonna help me cause its my fault that i don’t have a job. shit they do NOT need to say it to me cause i’m not gonna ask for their help. and i’ve managed to save money when i was still working, so i’m doing okay. not great, but i’m there- i’m good. everytime i’d go out, they’re gonna say "where do you get money?" what the hell should they worry about? totally none of their business. i think i’m wise enough to know NOT to go out when i’m broke or whatever. so i mean, just shut the fuck up. and they call me spoiled? SPOILED? are you kidding me? There’s no way I’m fucking spoiled. I know i’m young and all, but damn, they better know what’s up. I never complained about anything to them. They don’t hear anything from me. It’s like….. lahat utang ko sa kanila.. and they let me know it straight-up. I should be down on my knees for them because I OWE THEM. This is something that I can’t take anymore. I just wanna scream and let my anger all out… but it’s something I can’t do. It’s really my weakness.. I keep everything inside. I don’t know.. Sometimes I think of how my life would be if none of this ever happened. It just seem so easier if I never came here.. I feel so caught up, even though I know I’m not facing the hardest of problems.. I feel helpless. There should be something I could do about this….

i got to talk to him again the other day! as usual, we still couldnt understand each other. gosh. sobrang sira-sira tlga ung phone line dun, i guess? as in.. we got to talk for 10 minutes, pero ang naintindihan ko lang na sinabi niya eh they got their uniforms and stuff.. and ung name badge nila, and he was so happy about it. aww. hehehe. pero grabe that was like the most painful phone call i’ve ever had. sobrang nakaka-irritate, pero at the same time of course i love to hear his voice kahit d ko maintindihan ung sinasabi niya, hahaha. he said he’s gonna call again next week. hmm, hopefully. so un..

anyways, im really excited to go sa pinas this year.. i really miss my pamangkins na, grabe. im hopeful to see some of my friends din, sana naman tlga. so yeah… gosh. i’ve been stayng here at home tlga pag wala akong pasok.. grabe! wala man lang happenings,, pero at the same time, i don’t feel bored.. i feel good pa nga eh, sarap2 na nakakapahinga ako palagi! hahaha.. hmm.. baka parang foreshadow tong feeling ko na gusto ko tlgang magrest ng magrest palagi.. baka maging sobrang busy naman ako after this. grabe, i remember those days nung nagtratrabaho pa ako and pumapasok sa school at the same time.. un ung time na as in hindi ko mapigilang hindi makatulog sa bus. kahit anong pilit ko tlga na i-open ung eyes ko nun, hindi ko magawa.. hahahaha.. i probably looked silly! i usually get up at 6am dati, then makakauwi ako ng 1. then 2pm, i’d go to work.. and then i’d work til 10pm.. then next morning, gising na naman. my gosh. so ngayon.. okay naman. life’s easer since wala pa akong job.. pero its definite na once i get my car, kailangan n tlga ng job. kelan kaya makakabili ng car. gosh. sana soon na,.

i finally got to talk to him, after a month! but it was only for 3 minutes. and he said he’s gonna call me again tomorrow! :] ahh. and yesterday, i received a letter from him, FINALLY! he wrote me five pages - which surprised me by the way, lol. im really happy. my stepdad asked me kung kelan daw magkaka-chance si pat na makauwi for a couple of days.. i told him na he wont have a chance to go home kasi straight kagad sila sa tech. school after nung basic training.. and then my mom was like "if ever he’s gonna come back, we wont be here anymore" then my stepdad said, "you know what, if he comes back and we’re in Reno, i bet you we’re gonna see him there for a couple of days." then i just smiled at him. i dont know if he said that just to make me feel better or what, pero one thing’s for sure, im gonna see pat AGAIN. no idea when or where, but im sure about that. so yeah.. im excited to talk to him tomorrow. and ung letter pala niya, omg its so funny and touching at the same time.. he told me na whenever they’re hardcore working-out and he’s already on his limit, he just thinks about me and how im gonna like him even more if he gets sexier. HAHAHA.. loko tlga. but yeah.. hayy.

shopping really never fails to make people feel better ;]. AHHHH! I haven’t really shopped since i lost my job -which was last december. but whatever, yesterday was my day.! I bought seven watches!! I LOVE IT! It’s my current addiction. GOSH.. i spent $80. oopsies. i feel kinda bad, but then when i think of it, i havent gone shopping for a while na naman, so i mean.. its not that bad. wednesday is another shopping day. this time, purses! aii grabe.. pero i mean, after that, i wont go shopping na talaga until i get a job. PROMISE! anyways… i have been writing to pat ever since he left. hindi pa siya nagrereply, pero okay lang. i understand na he’s VERY exhausted.. and that he doesnt really have time to sit down and write me back.. yun ang sinabi sakin ng parents ko. which is true naman talaga. but even though hindi siya sumusulat sakin, i still keep on writing him. para naman hindi niya maisip na sobrang mabilis naman ako makalimot. so yeah..
          
      
AND UUWI AKO SA PHILIPPINES SA JUNE, JULY, OR AUGUST!!!!!!! AHHHH! I long for those dayssss back there.
                   
         
so ayun.. basically, since wala si pat, walang kaguluhan sa buhay ko and there’s nothing really to talk about. may nagbabasa pa ba dto? ako na lang yata eh! HAHAHAHA.. okay lang. it’s my journal-"ish" naman eh. so un. im unemployed. im in school. i dont have my car yet. no boys. just riding along with life =]

we finally got to talk last night.. ayos lang nmn, di naman tlga kami in bad terms nung nagbreak kami eh, so okay lang ung paguusap namin. walang bitterness, hehehe. he said he’s quite nervous daw sa pag-alis nya. i told him he’ll do good.. it’s just so given, he’s really the military kinda type of guy. even my parents said that, haha. my stepdad is just so certain that pat will succeed in life. but yea..

today, we hung out.. after like 3 weeks. whoa. kinda awkward nung start, hahaha.. kumain kami sa In n Out, and nung kumakain na kami, dun naging okay na rin.. hindi na awkward. ntatawa nga ako kasi sobrang opposite tlga kami, nung umorder kasi kami ang gusto niya sa hamburger niya eh onions lang. ako naman, ang gusto ko, ilagay lahat like ung tomatoes, lettuce, etc, EXCEPT ung onions. so sabi namin sa isa’t isa, "how do we get along again?" haha we’re like the exact opposite. then sabi pa nga niya, sa wakas daw napalagyan na niya ng onions ung hamburger niya, kasi hindi na daw kami. ayaw daw niya dati kasi nagsta-stay daw ung amoy ng onion sa breath nya.. so ngayon, okay na daw, hahaha. gaga talaga un.

then after nun, punta kami sa park.. our favorite place to go to pag tinatamad kami. nakaupo lang kami sa grass.. ewan ko, it’s still not hitting me na he’s leaving tomorrow.. and that today na ung last time na makikita ko siya for like 7 months. basta, i still cant believe it. goshhh… un na tlga ung last time na makikita ko siya for a while! ahhhhhhh! basta ang sinabi ko sa kanya.. it was more painful nung nagbreak kami and we didnt see each other for like 3 weeks, knowing na we’re just like 10 miles apart.. lam mo un? we had the chance to see each other, pero it was our CHOICE not to. this time, wala ng chance, he really is leaving.. so un,.

him: "we’ll be back together someday.."

me: "for sure."

him: "fo shizzle!!"

hahahaha…

i dont know why i said "for sure." ONLY GOD KNOWS. but it sure isn’t bad to pray and hope for it. :]

things went ugly. and i really dont feel like telling the whole story. hehehehe. basta im thankful na im not feeling as bad as i thought i would be. i guess im pretty much numb na to this kinda thing, pero im not bitter or anything. God wont give me something i can’t bear.

what i HATE and ANNOY as of this moment, is not having my car. WHAT THE HELL. i feel so helpless na. and i hate my parents. i despise them. UGGGGGHHHHH! i wanna leave so bad.

things are finally better. grabe, these past few days were so AWKWARD tlaga for me and pat. I mean, he still managed to text me everyday, pero its still different for us. cold kami sa isa’t isa. he would text me like "Hey what’s up" yung mga ganung type? ako naman sasabihin ko "nothing much. u" basta ganun. yesterday tinry namin na maging comfortable so un.. it was still awkward, pero nung nag-bye na kami, sabi ko sa kanya "love you babe. i need to see you whenever youre free so just let me know k?" then he said "is tomorrow good?" sabi ko "yea sounds good" and sabi niya "is it bad or you just miss me?" sabi ko na lang "just missing you bad.. and trying to put our shit aside" then sabi niya "k i love you i dont know where id be without you" so un.

TODAY, we hung out. kumain kami sa baja fresh, it was still awkward pero we were trying naman. then nagpunta kami sa barnes and nobles. and then sa Kohls. and then sa starbucks. after nun nagpunta kami sa park. OH HOW MUCH I LOVE THE PARK. that’s where we finally talked and felt comfortable na ulit! good stuff. we had a serious but not so serious conversation. its more of how we both feel about him leaving. i told him im scared, kasi naman, parang all of a sudden mawawala na lang siya sa life ko, lam mo un? biglang d ko na siya makikita, biglang di makakausap, makakatext, and such.. and like, baka nga hindi na rin kami magkita dahil i think we’re moving to Reno soon. di pa sure un, pero most likely. he made it clear na if ever we are going to separate nga in the future, [which is likely in the REAL world,] eh if kami talaga, in the end kami pa rin. pero kung hindi, then accept the fate. it made me feel better. parehas kaming realistic, and I LOVE IT. kasi, if hindi siya realistic, and if sasabihin niya sakin na parang he really loves me and he’s sure na ako ung para sa kanya, then honestly, thats just worthless for me. I need someone who also sees the other side of the things that could happen. hindi ung puro ideals lang. so yea. we probably sound pessimistic or however you spell it, haha.. pero we sure hope for things naman. Hell yes we want to be together, but of course iniisip din namin kung pano hindi nagwork.. cause we ALL know na hindi lahat ng gusto natin magwork eh nagwo-work. so un.. it struck me when he said "I know how strong our relationship is." hmm i love that line.. hehehe. anyway.. ayun.. basta.. sinabi ko sa kanya lahat ng nasa isip ko, and now i feel so much better. so un.. today was a great day. im proud of us.

as i predicted, being CONSTANTLY happy with pat means there will be bad times as well. It’s okay though, our relationship was going so damn good for a while.. so im not gonna complain with this one. haha. we’re still struggling, but i know we could make it better. and for God’s sake, he’s leaving na sa February 12. It’ll make it so much harder for the both of us kung tuluyang mag-away na kami. we have TIME issues, thats the primary reason. ewan ko, nasanay lang ako ng nakikita siya everyday, then all of a sudden we didnt get to see each other for a week and a half kasi busy siya. HAHAHA, i know its such a short time, pero i COULD NOT handle it. i thought i was going crazy na. im such a baby.. pero okay lang at least i admit it. kasi, basta.. not seeing each other made that GAP between us now. kaya nga nug nagkita kami after almost two weeks and we watched JUNO, mejo awkward. and one thing pa eh ung sobrang boring na life ko. diba nga wala pa akong job, so like i just stay at home and that drives me insane. kaya tuloy kay pat ko nasisisi na wala siyang time sakin.. well i guess its true, but at the same time, i have all the time in the world for him and thats why im asking for too much i guess? ay bahala na. all i know is that im HOPEFUL… hopeful for things to get better naman. i want us to be happy habang nandito pa siya no… but anyways…. wala pa akong job. its weird how my parents wouldnt shut the f*ck up bugging me to get a job. its like i ask them for their money! and its like theyre gonna give it to me anyway.. SO I MEAN, YOU KNOW, im not asking them for money so why the hell bother me. and like, as if naman na i want to just stay here sa bahay.. eh for all we know, I HATE THIS HOUSE! of course i would want a job para makalayo ako dito! so dumb tlga.. ayy k im out na.. byee

oh godddd.. lemme just start to say something about what happened on sunday, DEC 23, when i went to work, one of the cashiers told me na "ei bianca, how come you only work a day for the whole week?" i was like "WHAT?!" what the heck is that. so i looked at the schedule, and yea, its true. just to make this short, they cut people off after the holiday season. and just to let everyone know, i was the only one that was NOT seasonal. hell f*cking no, ive been working there for six months. gosh… the new manager is such a b*tch kasi, we both dont like each other, and SHE d*mn knows that. just cause i dont kiss her ass like other people. but yea, i didnt have to talk to anyone, i knew it, so i just left. i texted pat to pick me up at the mall.. THANKFULLY he was able to. and he did make me feel better. kumain kami sa isang irish restaurant.. and then yea.. well i didnt really feel bad, knowing na i was gonna leave that damned place in the beginning of next year. i couldnt stand it na kasi eh, i HATED it. so un, after namin kuman he took me home na.

monday, napilit ko na magsimba si pat! hahahahha.. so we went to church nung 4…. kaso nga lang hindi na namin natapos ung mass kasi nakatayo kami the whole time, eh naka-heels pa naman ako nun. so un, nung communion na, umalis na kami. uhmm, better than not going at all. so un.. then the next thing i know eh nasa bahay na kami ng grandparents ng bestfriend niya na si jared. parang may family dinner sila. i FELT SO AWKWARD, knowing na i really had nothing to do with any of them! parang naki-kain lang tuloy ako ng wala sa oras. kasi ang nandun eh si jared, ung mom niya, ung brother ng mom niya, ung gf ng brother ng mom niya, ung grandma and grandpa nila. so un! sobrang awkward tuloy! pero okay lang…

the next day [CHRISTMAS DAY] ang plano eh magdi-dinner ako sa bahay ni pat kasama ung family niya. eh since sobrang awkward nga ung nangyari the night before, hindi na lang ako pumunta. napagsabihan pa nga ako ng parents ko kas bakit daw hindi pa ako pumunta! ehhhh.. wala lang, nahihiya ako.. hahaha..

so un, nung gabi na lang, pat picked me up and pumunta kami sa red rock hotel para lang mag exchange ng gifts. hahahhaha.. uminom muna kami ng coffee, then un. nauna siya. he gave me a necklace. ang cute, i really liked it. sabi ko nga lang sa kanya na anong necklace na ang susuotin ko, he already gave me three. hehehehe.. then ako naman, i gave him an armani shirt.. so un. after nun pinakain niya ako ng dinner, pero sobrang nasayang ung money nya kas isang subo ko pa lang ayaw ko na. nilalagnat kasi ako that time eh.. so parang burnt ung tastebuds ko. so un.. umuwi na kami after…

wednesday, hala, sobrang lagnat talaga. so nakahiga lang ako sa kama the whole dayyyy.

thursday, today, he visited me here sa bahay. he gave me some starbucks [strawberries and creme] and a rose. :] totally made my day. ayun, we just watched tv and nagcomputer..

so un… im currently unemployed! hahaahahhaaa.. im looking for a new job.. kaya lang wala naman akong car, so limited ung places na maaapplyan ko. so bahala na lang! shieeetttt….

i was ultimately shocked. knowing pat, he would never give a girl a ring unless its been like 5 years or something.. that’s what he told me ever since.. so i never EVER expected him to give me a ring… but he did, and i felt special. :] i still get scared just thinking of him leaving on feb 12.. i’ll probably turn back into my old EMO self; the girl who always wanted to go back to the philippines..

i wish it wouldnt be as hard as i imagine.. im NOT expecting things.. but i AM hoping… hoping that in everything that we will go through separately.. through all the break-ups and make-ups that might happen in the long distance.. in the end, we’re still gonna be together.

we havent even really talked about what are we gonna do when he leaves.. he knows i get sad when people remind me about it. so i guess im just going with the flow.. everything happens for a reason.. one thing is for sure, I LOVE HIM. now i couldnt really tell if  was inlove (wth other guys) before.. cause i feel like this is the first time that i ever felt this. so ayun.. im so cheesy na. ewww. hahaha.. but yea.. i think i gott go, i have work pa pala! hehehe.. this is my update.. daming nangyayari na tinatamad na akong magpost dito! hehehe.. lately, my life is ROCKIN!! except sa bahay, they piss me off.

so.. kahapon, may meeting kasi ako sa work ng 8-9am, tapos ang start pa ng work ko eh 1pm. so i asked pat kung pwede niya ko sunduin after ng meeting, then hatid ako sa work pag 1pm na. oo daw, gisingin ko lang siya. then nung 8am na, tinext ko siya. then he said kakalabas lng niya ng shower. so un.. mga 8:40, natapos na kagad ung meeting, so tinext ko siya, and he said nagdri-drive na daw siya. tapos, may bwisit na marathon pala kahapon, and they closed almost all the roads sa las vegas! so sabi ni pat drive lang siya ng drive hanggang may makita siyang road na bukas. sabi nung mga kaibigan ko na cashiers na ung freeway lang daw ung only way. eh di tinawagan ko si pat, and then grabe, mukhang asar na siya. isang oras na siya nagdri-drive. eh di tinanong ko siya kung nasan na siya, then may sinabi siyang street. then cguro naririnig niya ung mga kaibigan ko na cashiers na sinasabi ung mga roads na pede niyang daanan. then sabi ko sa kanya "they said the freeway is the only way" then sabi nya "Im not gonna go down the freeway!" Then he hung up on me.

binabaan ako ng telepono. i could not believe it. natahamik lang ako. muntik na kong maiyak eh.. hahaha kakahiya. di ko na siya tinext or tinawagan, i figured na baka umuwi na rin siya sa sobrang inis. i mean, i dont blame him, ako din maiinis na sa sobrang layo ng na-drive niya. so un, after 15 mins cguro, biglang nagtext na. "I’m here." then pagpunta ko na sa parking lot, parehas kaming natahimik. sabay sabi ko na lang "im sorry.." sabi niya "im not mad at you because i drove all the way across the city.. i was pissed because you think that guy is better than me." ay sus… kaya ko lang naman tinanong sila kasi shempre alam nila kung ano ung roads na open. sabi rin niya na kaya daw nya binaba ung phone kasi akala niya ibibigay ko dun sa friend ko na guy. eh di ko naman ibibigay eh. naku, guys nga naman.. i totally forgot about their ego. hahaha.. parehas na kaming nag-sorry sa isa’t isa. first 15 minutes, tahimik lang parin ako, wala lang. hindi na naman kami makapunta kahit saan kasi nga sarado ung mga roads. nahihiya na ko sa kanya kasi sobrang nasasayang ung gas niya. then sabi ko sa kanya kain na lang kami. nagpa-gas muna siya.. then nagpunta kami sa redrock para kumain.. dapat sa grand cafe lang kami kakain eh, pero mahaba ung pila,. so he asked me kung gusto ko ba daw sa buffet. sabi ko okay lang, kaya lang mahal dun eh. then ngaglakad na kami papunta dun. hala. $45 ang binayad niya para lang sa lunch namin. plus ung gas pa nya na $50. eeekkkkk, sabi ko na lang sa kanya, next time ako naman ang magbabayad. pero un.. YAYYY.. red rock buffet….. sarapppp! hehehe.. enjoy.. grabe.. kahit maloka-loka kami nung umaga,, naging okay rin in the end. kwentuhan kami habang kumakain.. then un, after kumain, tinanong niya kung pwede ko daw ma-meet ung mom ng bestfriend nya. parang 2nd mom na rin daw nya kasi un eh. sabi ko "NOW?!" sabi nya "yes." tapos un.. alangan namang tumanggi pa ko, so naki-ride na lang ako. then un, na-meet ko na ung mom ng bestfriend niya. okay naman. umalis din kami kagad kasi malapt na mag-1pm nun. so un..

nung natapos na ung work ko ng 7:15, di raw ako susunduing ng parents ko dahil maaga naman daw un. eh na-miss ko ung bus, kas mga 7:30 na ako nakalabas tlga eh. so maghihintay pa ko ng 1 hour. tinext ko si pat just to let him know na nasa mall parin ako. then sabi niya susunduin niya daw ako. sabi ko talaga sa kanya na wag na. jusko hiyang-hiya na ko sa kanya. ayy naku, nagpilitan ever na naman kami. sabi pa niya "if your parents arent coming, i am." pero buti n lang i won this time. ang layo kaya ng bahay niya sa mall. so un..

it was a pretty shitty day. pero there’s something about it that made me happy. cguro ung buffet? HAHAHAHAHHA jokeeee…. basta..

nung friday.. punta kami ni pat sa school namin nung highschool.. then after nun, punta kami sa mall kasama ung friends ko na si nikki and teresa.. bumili kami ng pare-parehas na hoodies para sa next day.. then un nga, nung saturday, pagpunta ni pat dito sa house kasama ung friends ko, di pa ko ready so pinapasok ko muna sila. nakita na naman tuloy ng parents ko si pat. hahhaa. then un.. nag-ice skating kami! saya! :] pat always wanted to hold my hand, which was cute. hmm.. then un.. nung tuesday.. or nung isang araw, nakita ko siya sa school, and then i told him i wanna see him before he leaves. punta kasi sila ng family niya sa utah for thanksgiving. so un.. eh sabi niya may trabaho daw siya that day.. pero napilit ko siya. hahaha.. hmm..nagtingin-tingin lang kami ng damit.. then may nakita akong simpleng mnipis na sweater, then sabi ko maganda so kukunin ko na.. then nung magbabayad na kami, bigla niyang kinuha sa kamay ko. he paid for it. hahaha.. cool. that sweater is gonna be one of my faves for sure :] so un.. after nun we went to wendy’s. then uwi na rin.. so un.. nasa utah siya ngayon, cant call him, cant text him.. pero okay lang. he’ll be back on friday, and hopefully i’ll see him on saturday.. so un. wala akong magawa ngayon.. well actually i have a lot of stuffs to do, hindi ko na lang talaga alam kung san magsisimula! ima go crazy! hahaha.. i guess thats all that i could say for now. byeeee

hmm.. okay.. nung saturday, pumunta ung relatives namin from california sa bahay namin.. so un, naisip ko na bakit di na ipakilala kay pat habang nandito sila ant nandito pa si pat.. hahaha.. so un.. suday morning.. 11AM.. pumunta si pat sa bahay. at may dala siyang flowers for me! awww.. hehehe.. spontaneous effect.. hahaha.. ang cute nga eh.. so un.. pnakilala ko siya sa pinsan ko, sa tita ko, sa lahat.. hahaha.. sabi pa ng tita ko "bea, mukhang seryoso na tlga yan ah" WAHH.. haha… hindi naman.. wla lng kasi, gusto ko lng na makilala nila.. so un.. pagpasok na pagasok pala ni pat, hinila agad siya ni josh (baby ng pinsan ko).. hahaha so un.. nood kami ng tv.. at syempre pa, naki-upo rin ung stepdad ko. meg questions kay pat. para ngang interview eh. hahahaha.. then umalis na ung stepdad ko.. tapos after a while.. sabi ko parang gusto ng pancakes, kasi nakita ko sa pinapanood namin.. hehehe.. tinanong niya kung may pancake mix daw kami, sabi ko oo.. then un.. we made pancakes! well actually, HE made me pancakes. hahaha. tapos nung nakita pa ng mom and stepdad ko na nagluluto si pat ng pancakes, parang natuwa sila.. hahahaa.. tapos habang kumakain naman kami, back to intervew na naman ung stepdad ko. ano ba naman… ang hilig maki-singit.. imbes na nakakausap ni pat ung pinsan ko and everyone.. eh ung stepdad ko parin ung nakausap niya,, ahhaa.. then umalis na kami ni pat sa bahay.. may work kasi ako eh. dumaan muna kami sa starbucks.. ung sa drive thru lang. eh ako ayaw ko naman, so e di nagorder siya, then tinanong nya ako kung ano gusto ko, sabi ko wala, ayaw ko.. then sabi niya "and one vanilla bean." hahaa natawa ako kasi alam niya na un ung fave ko, eh un pa kasi, makalimutin un eh.. so un.. okay na sana ung day namin.. kaya lang nung papunta na kami sa work ko, parang tumahimik siya. may nasabi yata ako or something? kasi nung papunta na nga kami sa mall, nagbibiruan kami as usual.. tapos nadaanan namin ung MINI GRAN PRIX, tapos sabi ko "you never took me there!" then sabi niya "do you want to???" sabi ko, "no, nevermind,, preston already took me" tapos tiningnan nya ako na parang nagulat siya. tapos natawa ako.. sabi ko "we were with two girls" tapos sabi nya "yah, mhmm." sabi ko, "it was over the summer, we weren’t together." then un. nagulat ako at weird ung pag-react niya, eh kasi naman ganun naman tlga kami magusap eh, ung naglolokohan.. then nung nasa mall na kami, paglabas ng car, nag-spray ako ng perfume.. tapos sabi niya "for all the boys at your work?" sabi ko "of course!" tapos un, hindi na siya humirit.. hmm. t was just so weird.. before pa namin napagusapan siy preston, nabanggit ko sa kanya na ayaw ng stepdad ko si josh (friend ko). then sabi rin ni pat "good, because i dont like him either" sabi ko "you dont even know him!" "whatever, with what i know about him, i dont like him" tapos basta at one point he was like "you know me, im not the jealous boyfriend. i dont really care if you talk to other guys" HMMM. he always says that to me.. that he’s never jealous and stuff. but… in my weird instinct.. i think he just says that because he thinks admitting that he’s jealous would make him less manly or something. i dont know ha, un lang ang feeling ko. masyado kasi siyang defensive pagdating dun eh. as in.. so un.. pero i mean, there’s no reason nga naman for him to be, kasi wala lang.. parang jusko.. sa kanya lang ako naka-focus.. there’s no other guy na i wanna spend time with. so un. basta tahimik lang siya til the end kahapon. tinanong ko siya kung bakit, sabi nya tired lang daw siya. hmm.. so un… basta.. he still made me happy yesterday. i was also happy to see my relatives.. kakatuwa c jodeine and josh,.. na-miss ko pa tuloy lalo ung mga pamangkin ko sa pnas! hehehe.. so un.. alis na ko.. kapagod magtype ha. hahaha.. bye..

for the first time ever…….. in two years that i have known pat…… im gonna finally meet and hang out with his bestfriend and of course, pat tomorrow.! its hella weird… cause i know pat, and he’s the type na doesnt mix friends with girls. hindi niya tlga pinaghahalo.. kung lalabas siya kasama ang friends niya, friends lng tlga. kung girlfriend, girlfriend lang. not like me, ako kasi i want my friends to know my boyfriend.. wala lang.. para masaya.. tapos un.. i dont know why biglng nagbago ang ihip ng hangin at gusto n pat na makilala ko ung bestfriend niya for 4 years.. i mean, kilala ko naman ung mukha ng bestfriend niya, pero never lng tlga kaming nagusap.. BY THE WAY… blind ung bestfriend niya. i mean, he’s considered blind dito. ahh basta mahabang story.. so un.. actually, sinabi pa sakin n pat na ung isang close friend din niya, gusto daw ako makilala so gusto daw nung frend niya na mag-double date something. AYYY. sabi ko kay pat parang awkward for me un! wala lang! so i didnt say yes, even though parang unfair kay pat kasi siya lagi kong sinasama pag may lakad kam ng friends ko.. hehehe! pero iba kasi pag filipino friends eh, basta parang may bond tlga.. so un! nga pala… im gonna have to meet his bestfriend’s mom, since gusto rin daw ako makilala. JUSME! ano ito… i mean,. i kinda feel special na he wants me to meet all these people.. pero parang ang weird lang! sabi nga pala niya na his mom liked me daw. sabi nya she thinks im very sweet daw.. asusss.. imbento lang kaya ni pat un? hahahaha.. pero sana nga she likes me. anyways.. ayun.. hala.. 12:07am na pala! kwento ko nlng kung ano mangyayari tom! bye…

[this is from my MYSPACE blog]

October 31, 2007 - Wednesday

changes. another year is almost here.. and i dont have the SLIGHTEST idea on how life is going to treat me. who the hell knows what’s going to happen? i wanna stop time, i don’t want him to go. well… a couple of months doesn’t sound that long, but it really depends on how you look at it. so many things could happen….. i try not to think about it, but damnn.. i cant help it. he’s been a HUGE part of my life for two years now. now what the hell am i gonna do when he leaves? idk… i guess if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. im happy for him.. and im damn proud. im so proud that he’s now able to show the real him; now HE could prove that there’s something more in him. he’s amazing.. his outlooks in life.. everything. the people who think less of him are shallow, and you know it’s true. and because of that, i’ve realized that my stepdad is not shallow. lol. but yea seriously.. the first time he met him, he right off the bat knew him and he was very impressed with his goals and stuff. i cant even emphasize it enough. its hella weird how he likes pat so much. so much that he wants me to marry him in four years… LOL.. but yea.. dude why am i even writing a blog post about this.. so emo.. haha.. anyway.. i sure do hope the best for him. and as i’ve told him, if we’re still talking and stuff when he gets back, then that’s something else. i never really say this because im very realistic…. but i’d LOVE for him to be a part of my future…… i know those words are overused by people… but really… that’s one thing i hope for. and if it doesn’t happen, i am going to willingly open my doors and lead to where God wants me to be… because everything happens for a reason.